A Letter to Straight Dudes Who Are Bummed a Gay Woman Won’t Date You
Dear straight dudes, we’ve seen your frustration and confusion when the most attractive woman you’ve ever met declares that she isn’t into men. At. All.
We’ve seen the devastation on your face, and the utter disbelief that a single chick would ever turn down your offer to buy them a drink and spend a few minutes flirting with your elbows resting in perpendicular formation atop the bar.
They may have even said something like no thank you, I’m here with my wife or girlfriend or I’m not into men. Now you are taken aback, slightly offended, and you may not really believe them. Surely this is just a phase, and you’ll have your chance eventually if you can just get her number and charm your way into her apartment to convince her she’s straight.
Uh, no. Actually, that isn’t how sexuality works, whether the person you’re interested in identifies as male, female, or non-binary. If you’re a straight dude who has recently been (allegedly) burned by a female who says she’s not into men, don’t fall into a deep depression because of it. She’s most likely not lying to get rid of you, she’s trying to be honest. And it’s really kind of amazing that she’s become comfortable saying that to you.
If you’re having trouble really understanding how attractive women can confidently turn down the offers of men who think they are irresistibly worthy due to income, status, appearance, achievements, or social relevance, here’s a quick, non-judgmental guide to understanding how and why some women will never be attracted to you.
It’s not a choice or phase
There is a truly harmful notion that every woman goes through some sort of experimental phase where they “think” they’re gay. Unfortunately, many women who aren’t actually straight are led to believe that they are because they’re convinced by friends or family that the feelings they are having are temporary, impulsive, and reckless.
But for people who are actually gay, the struggle to establish and legitimize their sexual orientation has been a remarkable struggle for exactly this reason. People they love deeply deny the reality of their sexuality, which is an immensely personal aspect of life straight people don’t need to discuss or justify to their friends and family. The social expectations exist and protect straight people, while those of the LBGTQ community must battle for acceptance.
Gender roles were never appropriate
Though American culture is beginning to accept and realize the diversity of domestic roles and the ability for anyone (whether they identify as male, female, non-binary, transgender, or undecided) to play a role in positively impacting the future of the human race, we have such a long way to go.
The concept of a person being born with certain anatomy and assigned a gender with specific expectations for appearance, behavior, responsibilities, obligations, and personality traits was prevalent for centuries, in the United States and all over the world. It has only been recently that those who do not personally align with societal definitions of gender and identity have been awarded extremely limited rights within the social and cultural fabric of The United States, which to this day does not guarantee these citizens the same safety and assurance of their white or straight peers. Still, people of color and gender diversity face injustices like prejudice in the law enforcement system, bias within the job market and educational districts, deliberate voter suppression, and perpetual blame for the majority of violence in America without any proper examination of data or context.
Attractive traits are not gender-specific
Whenever you high-five your friend for saying something hilarious, notice the way the sun illuminates the features of their face, or recognize a deep belief shared with another person, you may not realize that these are all moments (among many others) that contribute to your attraction to another person.
When you are confident in your sexual orientation, you see these things as factors that may very well add up to compatibility or at least romantic interest. It matters very little, then, what gender that person identifies with or whom they are attracted to. What you are seeing is who they are, whether there is something in it for you or not.
You can be attracted to anyone, regardless of whether a sexual exchange or relationship occurs now or eventually. A person can be attractive to you without being compatible or even attracted to you in return. Their value and appeal as a human being you feel drawn to isn’t dependent on whether or not they will choose to return your affection or satisfy your specific expectations.
Ultimately, many human expectations regarding gender identity and sexual orientation serve only to benefit the progress of those who were born with male genitalia and also identify with this gender.
Gender identity has nothing to do with sexual attraction
The complete scope of the impact of the LBGTQ community in America has yet to be fully realized. For so long, members of the LBGTQ community have had to be silent or proceed with extreme caution as they have strived to advocate for basic rights such as health care and access to social programs.
The majority of the problem, however, is a complete misunderstanding of how true gender identity relates to that which is assigned at birth and how initial indications of certain anatomy can drastically differ from the innate knowledge of true self. This is a phenomenon we have yet to fully understand as a society, but really ought to for the sake of future generations and the care they have for our precious planet.
Many people are attracted to those with the same anatomy
It’s important to realize that no matter how attractive a person may be, they may not be attracted to you in return regardless of gender or supposed compatible qualities. There are so many people in the world who are attracted to people of the same gender, whether it is exclusive or flexible. You must accept the fact that even people who surprise you with their homosexuality are legitimate in that identity, and there isn’t such thing as convincing them they aren’t gay.
It may be difficult for you to accept or believe. It may even offend you that someone you connect with doesn’t return your romantic affection. But know that it is real, it is personal, and it has taken a lot of bravery and strength to tell you how they identify.
So, what should I do?
If you really value your relationships with other people, regardless of how they might benefit you personally, the best thing you can do is appreciate someone you connect with deeply as a friend. Actually, that’s where you should start whether there is potential for a romantic relationship or not.
Never reject someone simply because you can’t date them due to their sexual orientation. You never know the extent of the potential for a connection that turns into a meaningful friendship you may have for the rest of your life. Non-romantic relationships are more frequently ones that we hold onto for extended periods of time and provide more meaning and value than brief dating relationships.
And to be fair, what we seek in romantic dating relationships is often found in platonic friendships. Companionship, laughter, loyalty, reciprocation of affection, sharing of time and interests, compatible outlooks, as well as mutual support can be offered by a friend just as much as a lover, no matter what their sexual orientation may be.
If a person you know is gay and it is holding you back from connecting with them, I beg you to reconsider. There is so much you can do and be together without a romantic interaction.
