7 Subtle Signs of Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse can appear to be subtle to outsiders, but if you are a victim, you know it is far from harmless. Emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t entitle a person to the same protections as someone who is experiencing physical abuse, which is a tragic reality given the dangerous mental health implications of the victim and any other subjected family members and friends.
Instead of exerting control by physical force, psychological abusers most often employ tactics that cause the victim to feel that they deserve such treatment because they have failed, lack intelligence or skill, are unattractive by their own fault, or are irredeemably flawed by nature.
These abusers take advantage of people who are caring, kind, and vulnerable in order to establish the kind of relationship dynamic they need in order to feel safe and in control. It is a mechanism by which they protect themselves from repeating the traumatic experiences of their past by avoiding any kind of reciprocation in their relationships.
Here are 7 subtle signs of psychological abuse you may not have realized.
They won’t let you rectify any mistakes in your past
Psychological abusers cling to the mistakes you’ve made and refuse to acknowledge any positive change since it occurred. Once you’ve messed up, even if it was an isolated incident of poor judgment or a period of time in your life you aren’t proud of, they will constantly bring it up as ammunition when it becomes useful. Often, they will cite your supposed personal flaws and past failures as justification for their own actions.
They won’t have a conversation about your relationship challenges
Psychological abusers refuse to have rational discussions about what’s wrong between you two. It’s likely that their lack of legitimate reasons for making positive efforts in your relationship is the cause, and refusing to have a reasonable discussion is the way they preemptively defend themselves. If the conversation never happens, they never have to deal with it. Whether they shut you down with phrases like “there’s nothing to say,” make an exasperated exclamation that triggers your fear response, or simply walk out of the room, they are trying to maintain control of the situation by preventing a meaningful conversation from ever happening.
They hold you accountable but refuse to be held accountable themselves
If someone consistently tells you what you should be doing to take care of yourself or stay on track but isn’t willing to be on the receiving end of such advice, that’s a red flag. Ideally, your loved ones want to partner with you in becoming a better, healthier, happier person. Psychological abusers have no problem pointing out when you engage in self-destructive behavior while they do the same things. For example, many psychological abusers keep telling a victim they should do something like quit smoking while they continue to smoke themselves.
They criticize every little thing you do, think, or believe
Whether it seems petty or not, constant criticism is a way that abusers break you down, make you feel insecure, and exert control. If you feel like you can’t do anything right from basic household chores to personal choices and even statements you make, it’s possible that you’re encountering a psychological abuser who will take advantage of any opportunity to make you feel inferior to them. They may criticize your parenting, personal decisions, work, viewpoints, eating habits, appearance, goals, or even the past you can’t change, but they will find a way to point out reasons for you to see them as an authority in your life. The worse you feel about yourself as a result of their constant criticism, the more likely you are to allow them continued control.
They withhold physical and emotional intimacy
If psychological abuse occurs in a domestic or romantic relationship, one of the most common reports is that the abuser withholds intimacy either as punishment or just a constant mechanism of control. It’s not necessarily a sign of infidelity, but it is incredibly hurtful and discouraging to the victim. In addition, it often leads to self-esteem issues that only fuel the abuser’s ability to control the victim, and that’s usually the purpose. Sometimes, victims are particularly vulnerable to this type of abuse because they have unprocessed trauma from their past and rely upon intimacy to feel secure.
They were charming and caring at the start of the relationship but changed
You aren’t alone if the beginning of your relationship with your abuser seemed magical or even too good to be true. You may have had stimulating conversations, memorable adventures, and established a history that feels meaningful to you even now. However, if things suddenly reached an inexplicable turning point or changed after some sort of significant event, you were likely being “groomed.” Grooming is when an abuser does everything they can to develop a bond, particularly with vulnerable people they know won’t abandon them. They present a false persona to secure your loyalty, then suddenly shift gears to abuse at a time when they feel you’re fully invested emotionally.
They don’t open up about personal matters
A major red flag for psychologically abusive relationships is when the person you love has ceased to discuss personal matters with you. These matters may be unrelated to your relationship, but they still matter when it comes to being vulnerable and open with someone when it’s appropriate. If your loved one experiences stress factors like job loss, death of a family member, a traumatic incident, a severe illness, or some other kind of significant event and refuses to discuss it with you, it may be an indicating factor when paired with any of the above symptoms.
Unfortunately, many people who experience psychological and emotional abuse don’t even realize it. Frequently, victims assume the conflict or tension in their relationship is normal. While it is common for people to disagree, however, psychological abuse can have lasting impacts on the victim and their ability to maintain their mental health in general.
Psychological and emotional abuse may have occurred when you were a child in relationships with parents, siblings, teachers, and people in leadership positions. In addition, it may have happened in either romantic, friendship, or familial relationships in your past. Perhaps it is the reality you currently live in.
While psychological abuse may be more complicated to escape than physical abuse, the first step in addressing this issue is to be aware of it in the first place. If you believe you are experiencing psychological or emotional abuse, look for resources in your area that may be able to help you.
Realize that this kind of abuse leaves psychological scars, which are equally detrimental as physical cuts and bruises. Just as no one deserves to be physically assaulted, no person deserves to be subjected to constant belittlement and rejection.
Talk to friends, family, or anyone you can trust as soon as the time is right. You will likely find support from people who love you and want to help. Do not stay in a psychologically abusive relationship if you can avoid it.
